It's here - after what seems like 10 years rolled into one, I am coming up on my first "cancer-versary". I know it is weird but for those of us who have been diagnosed, we remember these days and it seems most of us mark the passage of time. The further out you get from diagnosis, the better it is so long as you can keep healthy and not God forbid get something else to go wrong with you.
As you all know, I am using a holistic approach in addition to a regular medical approach. I am using a clean eating, green smoothie, lower body fat, hormone medication, clinical trial and more, I guess. There is always more. I exercise every day - I am planning for the new me - the rebirth back into polite society to find a job to be a productive member of the world to maybe, just maybe try to put this behind me in a sense.
I will always know, I will always remember what I have learned though I did not want to learn it. I learned to let go, to let God, to rock a pixie cut and even a bald head, to be with just one boob, to hold my children as they cried over whether or not I would die, to demand help, to accept help, to see who was true to me, to learn who did not want to be with me, and to just stop worrying already. When you spend so much of your life as an anxious people pleaser as someone who has always gone by the rules and done things the right way it is oddly freeing to just not give a shit anymore.
I know who had my back and who stabbed my back. I only care for the former, not the latter.
I love to write and share- I have found this community of women and men who have been through it, who continue to go through it. It never truly leaves you. You always wonder, at every appointment, at every pain, at every weird thing that you normally would have just shrugged off and kept moving through -you worry, you think, "What if..." if you think that all the time, you will never get out of bed again.
Instead, I just stare defiantly at the future, at this new life I want to make. One where my cancer plot twist is still a part of me but maybe no longer the starring role of my life. I want to be ready to "move on" to get a job, to maybe, just maybe forget a little. To spend some time where it is NOT before and after but just time. I wonder if I can get my head wrapped around that - I wonder if I can do it.
I am not sure so instead I just continue to wait in the time between - knowing who I am inside and out, loving who I am inside and out and knowing just who exactly loves me and who does not.
I saw someone today who was telling me about how she has 5 friends who have had breast cancer; I gave her a bunch of my cards with my website and contact information on it and just when I want to take a break, I realize I had more to say. ... It continues - blogging is how I get it out and meet such wonderful people who are also trying to just get through it. And it makes me think how I can help them... the other people who walk this road and especially those who are terminal - my stage 4 sisters.
God bless you all.
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